


Painful

by purgatoan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, POV Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 04:59:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9107617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purgatoan/pseuds/purgatoan
Summary: Who would have thought that love could be so painful?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for @cheerfulsammy on Tumblr (hope you like it, even though I took a completely different route!)
> 
> First time writing SamJess!
> 
> Whole drabble is from Sam's POV, enjoy!

Loving Jess was painful.

I felt like I was suffocating every time I took in her beauty. The way her eyes were reflecting the light, the way her hair was shining as the light streaks were covering her body like a blanket when she was lying right next to me. It made my throat tighten, forbidding me from speaking, and leaving me in awe.

It seemed like someone was crushing my chest every time she would smile at me widely, blinding me with her happiness. Blinding me with the love she had for me, making it difficult for me to take a deep breath.

It felt almost like someone cut off all of my limbs whenever Jess would say something with so much adoration, passion, and care that I was sure I didn’t deserve it. That I didn’t deserve her. I would freeze, not being able to do anything, because I was never used to someone praising me or telling me that I was worthy of something; that I was worthy of love.

I was smiling through tears, my heart aching whenever I thought about how much she meant to me. How much, hopefully, I meant to her. I couldn’t grasp that concept, it was so difficult for me to believe that Jess chose me over all those people that were surely better than me.

I could never find the words to thank her whenever she would comfort me after finding I zoned out, thinking about Dean and Dad, trying so hard not to cry. I missed them and I wanted them to have a normal life. I wanted them to be happy just like I was with her, to notice all the perks of settling down. I was so desperate for them to feel the euphoria that came from loving her that it physically hurt, knowing that they wouldn’t even want to hear about what Jess and I had.

Even though it felt like someone was twisting a knife in my gut every time I talked about my feelings, I was able to tell her everything. She didn’t know the specifics about hunting of course, but she was aware of how difficult it was for me to live in that lifestyle. How it broke me, how lonely it made me, how alienated I always felt. It was tough, but she was always there for me, whenever I needed.

It was painful, because every time we held each other close, I thought my heart might burst out of my chest from all the emotions that coursed through me; from how lucky I felt holding her in my arms. I wanted nothing but to shield her from all the evil that I knew was out there, to keep her safe no matter what the consequences would be. I worried about her all the time.

It was hard, because every time we had to be away from each other, even for a short time, I kept thinking about her often. I had trouble focusing on studying, my mind kept wandering to her, like I was an addict in a rehab, desperate for another dose of my drug.

It was difficult, because I was afraid to lose her. I was afraid of her leaving me. I was so terrified that it kept me up at night and I had to look at her for God knows how long to assure myself that she wasn’t going anywhere.

Loving her was painful, but it was all so worth it.


End file.
